I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
You Might Also Like
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
marvel comics have peaked
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home