Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
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Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.