“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
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I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?