Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
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Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
I want what they have
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.