I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
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Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.