when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
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pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
just pretend nothing happened
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave