god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
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me after eating Cheetos
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)