I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
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You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.