They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
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(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream