wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
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The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.