You Might Also Like
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
My ideal weight is five million dollars
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down