i’m having this made into a welcome mat
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KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well