Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
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[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
Terribly Tuesday.
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”