Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
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Meow
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
You are what you delete.
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.