After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
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[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.