When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
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Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
Hell yeah 👍
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.