[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
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My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
I can’t wait!
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy