A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
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My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car