[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
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[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
When I pack too much for a short trip.
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.