Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
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Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
But wait…
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car