it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
You Might Also Like
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.