1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
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ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing