Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
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When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!