Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
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I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
car not found
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.