Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
You Might Also Like
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
*sewing*
A thread
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.