[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
You Might Also Like
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
🤣🤣
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down