The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
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you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.