[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
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Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held