me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
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If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.