going ballistic. anyone need anything?
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Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
*pronounces woah like Noah*
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”