Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
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*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard