When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
You Might Also Like
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely