Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
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I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.