Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
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Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.