The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
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Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin