Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
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The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
Rambo Rambow
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.