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7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games