I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
You Might Also Like
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
What the dentist sees
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”