I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
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Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon