[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
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I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
One of the best
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am