Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
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[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
.
.
.
.
.
The top ans was
.
.
.
.
.
GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater