My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
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Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
Black Friday “markdowns” like
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop