[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
You Might Also Like
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
@Capt_Spanky’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.