me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
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Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
Thursday Thought.
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
Stop sending me this shit.
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.