Always a housemaid, never a house.
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Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
No one :
Me when I swimming :
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.