Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
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Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is