I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
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I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
Lucky old June.
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them