Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
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Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza