I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
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When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
At least my masseuse has my back.
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.