I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
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They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
Natural selection at its finest
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”